Monthly Archives: June 2010

June 26, 2010

E.S.: Did you hear that Taco Bell is going out of business?
FAUSTUS: NO! Oh, my God, that’s so horrible! Why? How could such a thing happen?
E.S.: I don’t know. They looked at their profits and—
FAUSTUS: Wait a minute. Taco Bell isn’t going out of business, are they? You’re just saying that.
E.S.: Guilty as charged.
FAUSTUS: You’re so mean. You pass along vicious rumors just to make me feel bad.
E.S.: No, I make up vicious rumors just to make you feel bad.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 3 Comments

June 25, 2010

The other night, E.S. and I watched a television program called Merlin, which seems to be a sort of prequel to the story beloved by so many. It features Arthur as a strapping blond lad (if pressed one might admit to a small desire that he be just ever so slightly more strapping) and Merlin as his macrotous contemporary, along with Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Arthur’s cruel, domineering father Uther. At one point during the show E.S. and I had the following conversation.

E.S.: Wait a minute. Which one’s Arthur?
E.S.: But she just called the other guy Arthur.
FAUSTUS: No, she called him Uther.
E.S.: Who’s that?
FAUSTUS (pausing the show): Are you serious? How can you not know basic mythology?
E.S.: How can you not know how to take out the garbage?
FAUSTUS: Uther was Arthur’s father. He married Igraine, but not before—

(E.S. unpauses the show)

FAUSTUS: But you asked me to—! You wanted to know who—
E.S.: Yes, but I’m bored now.
FAUSTUS: Don’t ever touch me again.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 5 Comments

June 1, 2010

(It is earlier this evening. E.S. and FAUSTUS are lying in bed lazily.)

E.S.: I need to get up.
FAUSTUS: Okay. I’m going to count down from three. On one, let’s both get up.
E.S.: Okay.
FAUSTUS: Three…. Two…. One!

(FAUSTUS gets up. E.S. stays right where he is.)

FAUSTUS: You have a very idiosyncratic definition of “both.”
E.S.: I’ve changed my mind. I’m just going to lie here and become a big lump.
FAUSTUS: Become?

(E.S. uses his foot to push FAUSTUS to the edge of the bed.)

E.S.: Did you almost fall off the bed?
E.S.: …
E.S.: Well, I would have said I was sorry.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 5 Comments