Monthly Archives: December 2007

December 23, 2007

E.S. being sort of nominally kind of Christian (though his parents aren’t), and I having grown up with a Christian mother, we decided to have a Christmas tree this year.

I think that’s all the backstory necessary to understand this conversation, which took place Sunday night.

E.S. (entering the house): I bought more ornaments for the tree!
FAUSTUS (from the next room): We already have too many ornaments for the tree.
E.S.: Yes, but these were so fabulous I couldn’t help myself. Come and take a look at them.
FAUSTUS: But I want to take a nap.
E.D.: Too bad. You have to come and look at ornaments.
FAUSTUS (grumpily): Fine. (He goes into the other room and unwraps an ornament from the protective paper in which it has been wrapped.) Ooh, you’re right, that’s gorgeous. (He unwraps another.) I hate this one and if it touches our tree I am breaking up with you. (He unwraps another.) That’s totally cute. (He unwraps another.) Fabulous. You’re not doing too badly here. (He reaches for the last ornament.)
E.S.: This is the best one of them all.
(Faustus unwraps the last ornament to find a small box. He opens the box and is perplexed. The thing inside is not big enough to be an ornament. It looks not like an ornament but like a ring sort of thing.)
(Faustus turns to E.S. for clarification only to see that E.S. has dropped to one knee.)
E.S.: Faustus, will you marry me?

To be continued.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 33 Comments

December 20, 2007

Last night chez Faustus, after our dog A. emitted some cute huffling noises in her sleep:

FAUSTUS: I love the way our dog snores.
E.S.: Why, because she reminds you of yourself?
E.S.: Was that not what you meant?

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 7 Comments

December 19, 2007

Okay, I haven’t decided yet who I’m voting for, but in the meantime can people please, please, please stop calling Senator Clinton “Hillary” when they refer to every other candidate for any governmental office ever by last name? Please?

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 9 Comments

December 9, 2007

Though I dread the flood of reality television in which, come January, we will no doubt have to tread water or drown, I am of course on the side of the writers in the WGA strike. There is a series of very funny short films starring major actors at; my favorite is this one:

The problem is that, though these films are obviously meant to show how important writers are to the television and movie industry, they could just as easily be interpreted as supporting the AMPTP–you know, along the lines of Look at what those greedy selfish writers are doing to the industry and the actors by striking!

Actually, now that I see that idea on the screen, it’s risible. Nevermind.

UPDATE: If the video isn’t embedding, click here to see the one I’m talking about.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 4 Comments

December 7, 2007

No fucking way:

“Chanukah was historically and remains a celebration of the victory over Hellenistic Jewish social liberals and the homosexual agenda. . . . It was when the allies of the Syrian-Greeks, upper class socially liberal Jews, known as Hellenists, embraced the attempted abolition of ritual circumcision, Sabbath, and the Holidays and encouraged young Jews to cavort nude in the gymnasiums they built (Gymnos, the Greek word for nude) that the loyal religious Jews defied their “enlightened”, “progressive”, “socially liberal” (read libertine) reprobate brethren and sacrificed their lives to prevent the “Hell”enization of Jewish Holiness. Anyone who is familiar with ancient Greek culture knows about the centrality of homosexuality in their daily lives. It is obvious that what followed the nudity in the gymnasium and the emphasis on the body, was rampant institutionalized homosexuality. . . . The faithful Jews, willingly martyred themselves to defeat the debauchery of that time both heterosexual and homosexual. Thus Chanukah represents the first ever defeat of a world power’s homosexual agenda!

Oh, wait. This is the rabbi who said that gay marriage in Israel was worse than the Holocaust.

I guess yes fucking way.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 11 Comments

December 5, 2007

Today I was on the phone with my lawyer and call waiting beeped and it was my psychiatrist.

I think this makes me a real live New Yorker.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 7 Comments

December 4, 2007

This evening, E.S. and I had the following conversation:

E.S.: So my cousin asked me whether he could push back his visit to late March instead of February.
FAUSTUS: Why wouldn’t he be able to?
E.S.: He was worried you might have Easter-weekend plans he’d be disrupting.
E.S.: He didn’t know you were a heathen.
FAUSTUS: Well, he can push back his visit.
E.S.: Do you have any Easter-weekend plans?
FAUSTUS: I’ll probably end up just killing your god and going to the movies, like every year.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 4 Comments

December 3, 2007

I just sent away for a cassette tape of Zoroastrian children’s songs called I’m Proud to Be a Zoroastrian.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 7 Comments