Monthly Archives: August 2005

August 9, 2005

I know it’s hoping against hope to believe I live in a universe in which this might be possible, but did anybody record last Monday’s episode of The View? And, if so, do you still have it? It’s the one with the ex-gay guy on it.

If you do, please let me know. In exchange I can tell you the top-secret reason I’m looking for it.

Long gone are the days when I could offer free sex, but know at least that the impulse is still there.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 11 Comments

August 8, 2005

Mr. King’s experience was typical for people experiencing musical hallucinations. Patients reported hearing a wide variety of songs, among them “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and “Three Blind Mice.” In two-thirds of the cases, the music was religious; six people reporting hearing the hymn “Abide With Me.”

If I were going to experience a musical hallucination, I just know that it would be “Hakuna Matata.”

Because I fucking hate that song. No worries, my ass.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 8 Comments

August 5, 2005

A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer. . . . “The defendant struck his wife approximately 70 individual blows after spending a happy interlude with her,” the judge said. “Her desire to cuddle after sex does not justify the extremely violent, brutal response of the defendant.”

Though I am a fan of all kinds of violence and mayhem, this response really does seem a bit excessive.

Now, if it had been America’s Next Top Model that he wanted to watch–well, that would be a different story entirely.

(Thanks to him for the link.)

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 8 Comments

August 4, 2005

A few years ago I was posting about participating in orgies and being filmed in pornographic movies.

Now I have shared my thoughts on the latest Harry Potter book for three days in a row.

Dear God, I feel old.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 22 Comments

August 3, 2005

Well, I thought Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was quite good.

Unfortunately, I somehow managed to obtain a copy with 534 extra pages before the book actually started. I have half a mind to call the publisher and demand a correct version.

Oh, wait.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 14 Comments

August 2, 2005

A couple nights ago, E.S. and I went out to eat. I had my copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with me, and put it under my chair.

About halfway through dinner, I heard a nearby voice say softly, “Excuse me? Excuse me, sir?” I paid it no attention until E.S. said, “Faustus, she’s trying to get your attention,” and indicated a girl sitting across from us at a table with her mother. The girl was staring longingly at my feet.

I was baffled and beginning to be somewhat disturbed, until the girl’s mother said, “She’s looking at the Harry Potter book. She wants me to get it for her.”

The girl’s eyes were so full of longing, of love, of the pain one feels when one is separated from one’s heart’s desire–even if by only a few feet–that I reached down and handed her the book. “Here, go ahead and take a look at it,” I said. She accepted it reverently, as if it were a Gutenberg Bible. She caressed its cover, opened it to where I’d marked my place and read a few words, flipped around and read a few words elsewhere. “You should get it for her,” I told the mother with a smile.

“She wants it,” she replied, “but $30.00 is a lot of money.”

“You could probably find it online at a heavy discount,” said E.S.

The mother didn’t quite seem to believe this, but after a moment she nodded. “I’ll check it out,” she said.

After a few more minutes, the girl got up from her table and returned my book. “I want it so bad,” she said. “I’ll get a job if I have to, so I can get the book.” Her face was wracked with emotions so complex it would demean them to describe them here.

Eventually, E.S. and I paid our check and left. I almost gave her the book on the way out. I mean, if they were eating at that restaurant then the mother had $30.00 to spare, but the girl’s performance was so committed and powerful I felt it deserved to be recognized. If not with an Oscar, then at least with a Harry Potter book.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 14 Comments