Monthly Archives: December 2004

December 8, 2004

Prepare yourselves to hear a momentous piece of news about what happened to me last night.

Are you sitting down?

Good.

Because last night I got Liza Minnelli’s autograph.

It says, “To Faustus, Love, Liza Minnelli,” and has a heart at the bottom.

I can die now, especially as she was clearly high on something.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 14 Comments

December 6, 2004

E.S. and I had the following conversation the other day after I came back from the gym.

E.S.: I like your hair like that.
Faustus (disgusted): You mean all gross and messed up and with no product in it because I realized after I got out of the shower that I’d forgotten to bring my gel with me?
E.S.: Yes. It’s so much better like this than all fake and gooped up with stuff. In fact, I want you to throw all your hair product away. You look great natural, just like you are.
(Pause.)
Faustus: You’re not gay. I’ve suspected it all along, but this confirms it.
E.S.: What about the fact that I have a hard-on for you right now?
Faustus: No, that’s less important than caring about hair product. I’m reporting you to the High Council.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 12 Comments

December 5, 2004

A few days before Thanksgiving, E.S. mentioned in passing something about having gone on a hunting trip as a child.

“You’ve shot a gun?” I asked, incredulous.

“Honey, I’m from Iowa,” he replied. “I’m actually a pretty good shot.”

After we had consummated the ecstasies into which the idea of E.S. butchly shooting a gun had sent me, we continued the conversation. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Your dad is a member of the National Rifle Association, right?”

“He is.”

“Does that mean he has a gun in his house?”

“Actually, he has three. If you want, when we’re there for Thanksgiving we can go to the shooting range and you can shoot them.”

My former ecstasies were as nothing compared to the delirium into which this idea sent me. Though I wasn’t quite sure how E.S.’s parents’ spirit guide would feel about his charge’s being a member of the National Rifle Association, I figured maybe E.S.’s father just hadn’t mentioned it in their conversations.

Alas, it turned out that the shooting range was closed on Thanksgiving, so I’m going to have to wait til Christmas Eve to shoot a gun. However, I did get gun safety lessons, and all my enemies had better keep this picture of me in mind for future reference.

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 20 Comments

December 1, 2004

David here again, moving the discussion from blow jobs to something that really sucks. As you may be able to tell from the following screed, I went off my medication a few days ago. As a result of that, I

Posted on by Joel Derfner | 5 Comments